So it is currently 01:20am and I have just had a complete breakdown.
It has just hit me like a TON of fucking bricks that I have fallen completely in love with someone who will never love me back. I mean it’s completely my own doing because he told me from the beginning he didn’t want a relationship but you can’t help who you fall in love with. We’ve been ‘seeing’ (if you can even use that word) each other for around 5 months now, and we get along really well. He’s funny, clever and so so handsome… someone I could honestly see myself spending my life with, but he doesn’t want that. And Idk if it’s me that he doesn’t want… or just a girlfriend in general? I have no idea why he is the way he is and it is so frustrating not being able to figure someone out.
The day I knew I loved him was actually only around a month ago (Maybe from the beginning but this confirmed it for me). There was a fight that he was involved in at the pub I work at and I all of a sudden got so protective over him, making sure he wasn’t going to get hurt. So I stepped in to try and end the fight, baring in mind I am 5’1″ and wouldn’t hurt a fly… but I would for him. I would literally do anything for him. If he told me to jump off a bridge, I probably fucking would at this rate (which is insane I KNOW!). I have only ever felt like this 1 time and the fact that he didn’t want me turned me into a psycho and I don’t want to go back to that dark place again.
Sometimes I think i’m just going crazy but then I’ll see him talking to another girl and get super fucking jealous and want to rip their hair out. I think falling in love has actually driven me insane.
Anyway getting back to the point of this post… the disadvantages of falling in love: If he doesn’t love you back, you’re left heartbroken. And I mean like physical pain, my head hurts, my heart hurts. All i wanna do is curl up into a ball and cry for 12 months. That’s where I am at right now…
I am going to New Zealand in September for a while (not forever) just because I want to experience something new and get away for a while. Have a break from my life here in the UK and finally meet family that I have never met before. I just wish that he was going to be here for when I come back and we could do life together but I know that’t me living in a dream world.
So M if you are reading this, (which i doubt), I am completely in love with you. Okay your a bit of an idiot when you drink too much but you’re my idiot. I wish that you would just give us a chance but if not then that’s fine, I can’t force you to want me. But just so you know, I’m not going to just be your ‘bit on the side’ anymore. I can’t. It is completely breaking me, and I don’t want to go off the rails again like the last time I fell for someone.
I could carry on writing for hours about how I feel right now and how I feel about ‘M’ but I won’t because it’s probably boring AF to read and plus I’m nearly falling asleep writing this.
Top tip to any single ladies out there: be careful who you fall in love with because when the feelings aren’t mutual… It will break you.