I didn’t plan on surviving..

I have decided to tell the world about my suicide attempt. The people who know me, know I have always been open about my mental health journey. I’m not afraid of people judging me or of what people have to say but I want to join the movement in getting rid of this stigma of people being blind to mental health and suicide and support those in knowing that it’s ok to not be ok and you can speak out and tell your story. If people don’t like that, screw em’.

I’ll start from the beginning. I’d been feeling suicidal during my final year university, I didn’t think I was going to succeed, I didn’t think I was going to get that 2:1 that I really fucking wanted. Most of all, I was absolutely terrified of moving back home to having no friends and just being back where I started 3 years ago. You could say going to university was me running away from my problems, and it worked for a little while, but I learned you can’t run away from your problems, because they will always follow you.

I joined Tinder, I thought maybe trying to find a boyfriend might take my mind off of being unhappy and suicidal but then I received a message from someone who matched me, calling me ugly and that he ‘wouldn’t even fuck me if he was blind folded’. Well you can imagine how that made me feel.

I decided to go for a walk and the end destination was beachy head. If you haven’t heard of beachy head, it is the number one spot in the UK for suicides. I wanted to jump so so bad and just end it all, end all the pain that I felt inside… but I just didn’t have it in me, my friends found me on the edge and took me home.

A few weeks go by and the girls and I go on a night out, I got very drunk and in the early morning of the 28th of May 2019, I made the decision to take my life. We got home, and once everyone had gone to sleep, I took as many painkillers as I could find in my room.

Paramedics found me on the sofa, I must have called them before passing out. I was taken to hospital and put on a drip, I had to have countless blood tests, two bags of drip to rehydrate me and I was throwing up the lining of my stomach and a lot of blood. I have never felt pain like it.

Sometimes, to this day, i’ll get so annoyed that it didn’t work, I didn’t want to survive. But then I’ll have good days with family and friends and feel blessed that I am still here. It’s exactly like the old cartoon movies when you have the angel in one ear and the devil in the other. The devil wants me dead and the angel wants me alive, but it’s up to me to decide my fate and I am fighting that devil every single day, and will continue too.

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